Changes

It has been a long couple of years full of changes.  I haven't talked much about the difficulties I have gone through individually, Kent has gone through, and what we have both gone through collectively. Much of what we have experienced I have held very close to my heart.  I still don't feel comfortable in going into detail and don't think the details are important,  but I wanted to express some thoughts and feelings that I have been experiencing. 

Throughout much of Kent and I's marriage we have struggled financially, spiritually, emotionally, etc.  I believe it all caught up with us almost two years ago. We went through some really horrible stuff at that time. We both had made some very wrong choices.  I was ready to call it quits.  Kent and I separated for awhile but after talking to our Bishop and Stake President decided to try to work things out. In my heart I knew that is what we needed to do and that our kids needed both of their parents together.  I honestly believe that the next couple of months we were literally in the depths of HELL. I recall one night before we had even gone to talk to our Bishop.  Kent was out of town. I had reached the end of my rope. I had just gotten my kids into bed and had started walking into my room. I felt a push and I fell flat on my face. I still don't know what pushed me but as I got to my knees I just started sobbing. I had the darkest feeling around me and felt like it was consuming me. I wanted to die. I prayed for the first time in months.  I remember getting the feeling to call my parents right away so I did.  My busy dad took the time to travel to my house late at night, talk with me, and give me a priesthood blessing. I broke my fathers heart that night and I think that was the hardest thing for me to see. In the blessing my dad gave me,  I was blessed that my little brother who had passed away would be my guardian angel in the months to come. I have felt his presence often since then. I know I wouldn't have been able to to make it through what I've been through if it hadn't been for David and also for a loving Savior. 
That was the first night of many hard nights but it was the start of a journey that would prove to be cleansing and life changing.

Kent and I went through some intense counseling from one of the top family therapists in the state of Utah. We also received some counseling from our Stake President and Bishop for quite a bit of time.   Through all this counseling I started seeing small changes take place in myself and in my relationship with Kent.  I had a HUGE family support system and wonderful friends that have helped me so much and continue to do so. I have learned so much in the last two years its hard for me to explain all that I have learned and all that I'm feeling. I know much of what I have experienced are the tender mercies received from a loving Heavenly Father.  The power of the Atonement is real!

Anyway, my point to all this is there have been small and simple (although at the same time....difficult) changes that have taken place in my life.  As I look back at what has happened, each change prepares me for the next step. I know Heavenly Father has a hand in everything.  Kent and I were able to attend the Salt Lake Temple for the first time in 3 years this past weekend.  We went with our ward to ward temple night and did sealings. Kent and I had not had the opportunity to do sealings before except for when we got married.  What a wonderful experience!!  I thought it was also the perfect thing to do on our first time back in a long time.  We had to wait for our group for a little bit so we had the opportunity to sit with each other in the Celestial room for about a half hour. It was so wonderful to reminisce about the last time we sat in the exact same place 11 years ago on our Wedding Day. It was wonderful to be on a "date" with my husband again. I felt like we were recommitting to each other again. I love him so much and am looking forward to attending the temple again with him! (We plan to make it a regular thing) 

I know this is just a start to good things to come. I know that not "every day" will be perfect and that life is full of struggles....ups and downs.  I have come to realize that our problems may not be over and we are still going to go through trials but as long as we have Faith and as long as we keep our focus on the Gospel and Heavenly Father, we can make it. I am so grateful for my membership in His true church. I will NEVER take that for granted again.  I am also grateful for my kids and for them being my "light" and my inspiration. They teach me so much!


I'm sorry for all the rambling but I just had to get some feelings down somewhere. Thanks to all of you who have been there for me and continue to be there for me!